never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
