I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
