We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
