maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
