the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
