i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
