Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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