On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
