Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
