If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
