She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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