it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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