when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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