3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
