your parents love me but you hate me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
