New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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