Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
