Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
