last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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