6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
