If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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