Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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