She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
