I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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