I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
