Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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