loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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