those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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