I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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