I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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