I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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