I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize