I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You are a genius and a whore.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
