there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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