i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
