I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
