He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
