you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
