I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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