i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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