Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she pinky promised me she was 18
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
