I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
