How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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