just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This baby is an asshole
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
