remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
