Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
