the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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