Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
