Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
