I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
