i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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